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Sporočilo |
< Zabava in ostalo ~ Vicoteka - tu je prostor za vice |
| g.arh |
 Objavljeno: 04 Dec 2007 17:07 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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Medvedovica je dobila mestruacijo, pa je ne mela vloškof, te pa se je odločila, ka de ponücala zofca. Med nogami ga je mela 5 dni, te pa ga je spistila. Zovec je celi bogi, zmantrani, pa krvovi odbeža do jorka. Kumer živi si je krf doj muja. Drügi mesec, gda je medvedovica znavi dobila mestruacijo, se je zovec zakopa v zemlo, pa blo ga pet dni ne vün. Po peten
dnevi pride un vün, pa beži po do jorka, ka bi se nopja vode, te pa tan vidi sovo. Cela krvova je bila. Krf si je doj mujvala. Zovec jo je pita:
"Ja sova, ka je te bilo???"
Sova ga je poglednila, te pa zaklela tijan do nebes:
" Da jeben mater tistemi debili, keri je reka medvedovici, ka so vloški s krilci bojši!!!!" |
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| g.arh |
| Objavljeno: 04 Dec 2007 17:09 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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Ko je astronavt Neil Armstrong kot prvi clovek stopil na luno, je
izrekel znameniti stavek:
Majhen korak za cloveka, velik za clovestvo".
Sledilo je se nekaj drugih stavkov, vecinoma pa je slo za obicajno
komunikacijo z ostalimi astronavti in kontrolo poleta. A predno se je s
povrsja lune vrnil nazaj v Apollo, je izrekel tudi zanimiv stavek:
"Srecno, gospod Gorsky ".
Mnogi ljudje pri NASI so menili, da se stavek navezuje na kaksnega
rivalskega Sovjetskega kozmonavta. A po poizvedovanjih, noben Gorsky ni
bil vkljucen v Sovjetski, niti Ameriski vesoljski program. Se leta
kasneje so mnogi sprasevali Armstronga, kaj je takrat mislil s stavkom
"Srecno, gospod Gorsky", a Armstrong se je vedno le nasmehnil.
5. julija 1995 je v Tampa Bayu na Floridi imel Armstrong intervju in
novinar je zopet privlekel na dan tudi to 26 let staro uganko. Tokrat je
Armstrong koncno razlozil. Gospod Gorsky je malo pred tem umrl, zato se
je Armstrong odlocil, da razkrije skrivnost.
Ko je bil se otrok, je v blizini doma dostikrat igral baseball s
prijatelji. Njegov prijatelj je enkrat mocno odbil zogico, ki je
poletela na vrt k sosedu, v blizino okna spalnice.
Soseda sta bila gospod in gospa Gorsky.
Armstrong se je odpravil po zogico. Ko se je priblizal oknu njune
spalnice, je slisal gospo Gorsky, ki je kricala na moza:
"Oralni sex! Ti hoces oralni sex!? Dobil ga bos, ko bo sosedov mulc
hodil po luni!!" |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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| g.arh |
| Objavljeno: 04 Dec 2007 17:12 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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Prinese tip v polnem sexshopu k blagajni umetno vagino.
Pa se blagajničarka zadere: "Kako jo boste pa uporabljali??!"
Zardel kupec se zadere nazaj:"Kaj vas pa to briga?!"
Blagajničarka odvrne: "Zaradi DDV! Če jo boste lizali, je DDV za
živila 8%, sicer pa 20%". |
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| g.arh |
| Objavljeno: 04 Dec 2007 17:16 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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- Dober dan, gospod župnik, prišel sem z zelo nenavadno željo...
- Bog daj, kar na dan z njo.
- Poginil mi je pes, ki je bil zares moj najboljši prijatelj, zato bi vas prosil za mašo zadušnico zanj.
- Zelo mi je žal, vendar za živali ne moremo imeti maš. Pojdite k Hare
Krišna, morda vam bodo lahko ustregli.
- Prav. Ali mislite, da je dovolj, ce jim placam 5.000 EUR?
- Človek božji, pa zakaj pa niste takoj rekli, da je vaš pes katolik!? |
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| g.arh |
| Objavljeno: 04 Dec 2007 17:32 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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Kirurg takoj po operaciji obišče pacienta v sobi.
Takole pravi:
- Za vas imam eno dobro novico in eno slabo.
Pacient:
- Najprej mi povejte ta slabo, g. doktor!
Sestra je zamešala papirje in po nesreči sem vam odrezal penis.
- O, madoooona!!!! zakriči pacient in takoj vpraša:
- In kakšna je dobra novica?
- Ni bil maligen. |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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| g.arh |
| Objavljeno: 04 Dec 2007 17:37 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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Disleksičar odluči da opljačka banku. Udje u banku i drekne iz sveg glasa:
»Vazduh u ruke, pljačka vam materina! Ovo je pička!« |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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| g.arh |
| Objavljeno: 04 Dec 2007 17:38 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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Djed Bozicnjak posjetio Biafru i posjeo maloga crnca u krilo.
Djed Bozicnjak: ho - ho - hooooooooooo sto bi ti za Bozic?
Mali crnac: Djede ... znas ... ja nisam jeo 15 dana ....
Djed Bozicnjak: ho -ho - hoooooooo tko ne papa neeeeeeeeemaaa poklona! |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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| g.arh |
| Objavljeno: 04 Dec 2007 17:44 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2003
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays! |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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| igor |
| Objavljeno: 04 Dec 2007 19:11 |
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Pridružen/-a: 25.06. 2007, 10:24
Prispevkov: 496
Kraj: Ljubljana
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Pravljica o malo bolj pametni princeski....
Pred davnimi časi je v deželi daleč od tod, za sedmimi gorami in tremi
jezeri, lepa, samostojna in samozavestna princesa naletela na žabo. Žaba
je skočila princesi v naročje in rekla: Sladka gospa, nekoč sem bil
čeden princ, potem pa me je hudobna čarovnica začarala. En sam tvoj
poljub je potreben, pa se bom spet spremenil v prisrčnega mladega
princa, kakršen sem v resnici. Potem, ljuba moja, se lahko poročiva in
si narediva dom v tvojem gradu, kjer mi boš lahko kuhala, prala,
prenašala moje otroke in mi boš za vse večne čase hvaležna in srečna,
ker lahko tako živiš.
... Ko se je tistega večera princesa mastila z rahlo ocvrtimi žabjimi
kraki, se je hehetala sama pri sebi in si mislila: ma ko te jebe! |
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| igor |
| Objavljeno: 05 Dec 2007 15:34 |
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Pridružen/-a: 25.06. 2007, 10:24
Prispevkov: 496
Kraj: Ljubljana
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Mislim, da je seks ena najlepših, najnaravnejših in najbolj
vseobsegajočih stvari, ki jih lahko kupi denar.
Tom Clancey
P.S. Kdo je ta Clancey? |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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| g.arh |
| Objavljeno: 05 Dec 2007 21:45 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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Iz pohištvenega salona so na dom dostavili omaro. Vse je bilo zapakirano v paketih.
Gospa se je sama lotila sestavljanja omare, ker je mož bil na službeni poti. Delo ji ni šloi kdo ve kako od rok. Ko ji je nekako uspelo omaro sestaviti, je po cesti pred blokopm pridrvel tramvaj, hiša se je zatresla in omara je zgrmela narazen, kot da sploh ne bi bila privijačila stranic. Poskusi še enkrat, dvakrat…. Vedno isti rezultat! Ko pripelje mimo tramvaj, se omara sesede.
Odloči se poklicati mojstra. Mojster pride in obljubi, d bo stvar hitro uredil, ena, dva tri…
Vraga! Omari sestavi, toda ko pridrvi tramvaj, se omara tudi njemu sesede. Gospa je malo olajšana, ker le ni tako nesposobna, kot je najprej mislila, možakarju pa je nerodno. Poskusi še enkrat, dvakrat, trikrat… toda vedno se konča z istim rezultatom. Usedeta se in razmišljatra. Mojster predlaga nasledno stvar:
- Sestaviva še enkrat omaro. Nato bom jaz z notranje strani z baterijo glčedal, kje bo popustila, ko pride spet tramvaj. Tako bomo ugotovili, kateri vijak najprej popusti in zakaj, jebemumast!
- Se strinjam, reče gospa, in gre kuhat kavo zase in za mojstra.
Rečeno-storjeno, možakar se zapre v omaro in čaka.
Tedaj na vratih pozvoni. Mož se je vrnil s potovanja prej, kot je nameraval. Gre naravnost do omare, da obesi plašč, in zagleda notri mojstra z baterijo.
- Kaj pa ti tukaj delaš? vpraša soprog.
- Eh, jebiga… če rečem, da čakam tramvaj mi ne boste verjeli… |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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| g.arh |
| Objavljeno: 05 Dec 2007 21:52 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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igor je napisal/a: Mislim, da je seks ena najlepših, najnaravnejših in najbolj
vseobsegajočih stvari, ki jih lahko kupi denar.
Tom Clancey
P.S. Kdo je ta Clancey?
En Tom Clancy je napisal roman, po katerem so posneli film Lov na Rdeči oktober, s Sean-om Connery-jem v glavni vlogi. Morda jih je več, jaz sem slišal samo za tega. |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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| maja |
| Objavljeno: 07 Dec 2007 00:11 |
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Pridružen/-a: 28.05. 2007, 10:19
Prispevkov: 119
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Mislim, da je bilo vprašanje bolj v stilu: "Kdo je sploh ta človek, da si upa deliti take komentarje."
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The English Language Around The World
legenda:  je oo
University Campus, India:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION.
Hotel bedroom, India:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Doctor's surgery, India:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, India:
WOMAN'S ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN BAR.
Hotel, India:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL WATER SERVED HERE.
Hotel, Moscow (opposite Russian Orthodox monastery):
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel airconditioner instructions, India:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR RM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Zoo, India:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE F D, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Poster, USA:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO , WE CAN HELP.
Restaurant, India:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS T.
Automatic hand dryer in public lavatory, USA:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
Hotel Lobby in Romania:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Maternity ward, India:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED WITHOUT PERMISSION.
Cemetery, India:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Restaurant menu, Germany:
OUR FD LEAVES YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
Tokyo Hotel, Japan:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH THING IS PLEASE NOT TO RED NOTICE.
Shop in Majorca
ENGLISH WELL TALKING
HERE SPEECHING ENGLISH
Temple, India:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel bedroom, India:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS OR OTHER SIMILAR WOMEN INTO YOUR RM.
Hotel brochure, India:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, LARGE CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY IT.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel bedroom, India:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID AT ANY HOUR. SHE ALWAY'S HAPPY TO HELP IN ANY WAY
Hotel, India:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE MAID.
Black Forest, Germany:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Supermarket, India:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENT, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
Newspaper, India:
A NEW SWIMMING PL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Berlin:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF HAVING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BED, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED
Laundry, India:
LADY'S, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czech Republic:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, India:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Dentist's advertisement, India:
TEETH FILLED AND EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
Hotel bedroom, India:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO BOMBAY, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT. |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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| g.arh |
| Objavljeno: 08 Dec 2007 17:14 |
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Pridružen/-a: 24.05. 2007, 22:54
Prispevkov: 440
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Ko je Titanic zadel ob ledeno goro, je kapetan k sebi poklical oficirje in jim sporočil:
- Imam dve novici, eno dobro in eno slabo. Katero hočete prej?
- Povejte nam najprej ta slabo...
- Zaleteli smo se v iceberg in čez dvajset minut se bomo potopili.
- In katera je dobra novica?
- Dobili bomo 11 oskarjev! |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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| časel |
| Objavljeno: 08 Dec 2007 20:14 |
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Pridružen/-a: 25.05. 2007, 09:26
Prispevkov: 240
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Pri zdravniku:
"Kaj ste ugotovili, gospod doktor?"
"Nekaj čudnega na vaših modih. Eno je leseno, drugo pa železno."
"Nemogoče, saj imam dva zdrava otroka..."
"Koliko pa sta stara?"
"Ostržek štiri, Terminator pa šest." |
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| Nazaj na vrh |
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Časovni pas GMT + 1 ura, srednjeevropski - zimski čas
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Ne, ne moreš dodajati novih tem v tem forumu
Ne, ne moreš odgovarjati na teme v tem forumu
Ne, ne moreš urejati svojih prispevkov v tem forumu
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